Close your eyes and make believe
by Mansah
Summary: Blair Waldorf used to think she would be the protagonist of her own life. Vaguely post/simultaneous with 3x06


Reviews are always appreciated, whether they're negative or positive:D Thanks! Oh and I don't own Gossip Girl or anything really.

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Waking up from a dream where you've been Bette Davis may not sound like anyone's worst nightmare except to the Blair Waldorfs of the world who know the ins and the outs of society and more importantly, who know their _Gigi_ from _Funnyface_, their Audrey from their Katharine and know there was a Grant before Hugh. In that case _All About Eve_ spells disaster, pretty much, because who wants to be Margo Channing? You've spent your entire life clawing your way to the top of the hierarchy, hoping that once you reach it maybe you'll get to be the protagonist in your own story, maybe your dad won't leave and maybe Eleanor will actually look at you to do more than criticise and maybe just maybe your boyfriend will look at you as you know he looks at your friend, maybe your life will have a happily ever after. Well, nothing says you've failed like this.

It's okay almost, you're used to having your dreams hi-jacked by interlopers. Even when you dream up Audrey it's only to discover you're the stand-in not Holly or Eliza, that's the hazard you run when your best-friend is Serena van der Woodsen. She can't help it, it's who she is and somehow it's okay because what's her is you and she's your sister and sisters share everything. It's what you tell yourself over and over again when you find yourself in her shadow and most of the time you believe it. This time though there's no Serena to take the blame, and the world's all wrong because trolls become princesses and Waldorfs are cast out of their castles, no one cares. People, Chuck, might say they understand –_the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember, I'm Chuck Bass and I love you_. But it's not that you forget, it's that if no one cares there's no point. It's difficult to believe you're the heroine of the film if no one gives a damn that you're you. They don't realise that half of who you are is illusion, only created through the audience. Even you can't make believe on your own, you've tried but reality, or Serena, always comes knocking.

Maybe once upon a time you could pretend your life was perfect, you could get away acting as if your life was like a movie because you had an audience. You could edit your life, choose what scenes to show the public, but you knew they would willingly pay to watch whatever you allowed. Sometimes it hurt but even if your movie turned a tragedy; pregnancy scare and break-up, social ostracism you knew there would be a happy ending because confidence is what makes you stronger, and your confidence comes from knowing people cares, at least they cared enough to ostracise you, at least Little J feared you enough to state her claim with yoghurt. At least before if you weren't loved people feared you; every star knows that bad publicity is better than no publicity, here nobody knows your name. You're one among a million, an extra in multimillion dollar film where you thought you had been cast as the leading lady.

Really it's part of your survival instinct what makes you do it –selling out your boyfriend's kisses for a speech, it's an act of desperation. Because somehow even he is billed higher in your life's film. Alumni Laisons remain cool in the face of your charisma and cleverness but they're hot at the thought of a peck from Chuck Bass. Maybe that's why you're willing to take the blame when the scheme is uncovered, if you're cast as the villain at least you can tell yourself you had a part to play, that you mattered, and don't some villains go on to be more popular than the actual hero? There's a whisper at the back of your head, if you really mattered you wouldn't be so easy to replace, but you can't afford to listen and you learnt a long time ago to pretend it wasn't there. At least for now you still have that, at least for now you can still make believe your world better. You can pretend you don't care, somehow ignore the fact that you're still late on the credits list for your own life, tell yourself that you don't need anyone else while you snuggle up to your boyfriend or gossip with your friend, but deep down you know it's not enough, it was never enough and it won't ever be enough because while you've managed several times you can't close your eyes forever and you know Blair Waldorf always needed, always wanted an audience, always dreamt of being the heroine and always planned for a happily ever after.


End file.
